Damon Harris (hombre) wrote,
Damon Harris
hombre

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Dating for Dummies (Dating for Damons)

It didn't seem like all too long ago where I was plunged back into the icy waters that are the modern dating world. At first, I looked upon this time in my life with a fresh outlook, and relative optimism. Months later, I find myself looking back, recoiling in horror, and hoping that my future ventures into the dating/relationship world do not hold as many awkward social moments than the entire series of "The Wonder Years" as it seems they have been doing.

Anyone that's been exposed to my personal track record with regards to most relationships of mine at any moment in time for the last four years, can sympathize with me on this one.

Bearing that all in mind, I can honestly say I've gained an immense amount of knowledge during this time. Hopefully this knowledge will assist me in my present/future dating endeavours, because dammit, I think I'm hopeless.

Many women, much like men, judge everything on first appearances, so it's important to look attractive and remove all the Taco Bell chalupa wrappers from your beard. In fact, women are almost exactly like men, except they are all weird and emotional and crazy and confusing and contradictory and they don't have penises and they don't like anything men like and they are completely different in just about every aspect. But besides all that, they are just like men.

Now, beyond this, I've come up with a short list of "dos" and "do nots" that should be kept in mind when preparing to woo the woman of your dreams.

DO:
DO NOT:
Dry clean your dress clothes in a laundromat. Steam clean your dress clothes in a White Castle.
Take a shower in clean water for 10 minutes. Watch someone on Baywatch go swimming for 10 minutes.
Wear a shirt which matches your pants. Wear a shirt which matches the theme of your Underoos.
Tell your family that you're going on a date and they should watch over your house while you're away. Tell your family that you're going on a date and they should refresh your Livejournal for by-the-minute updates.
Try to freshen up by spraying cologne on your neck. Try to build up an immunity by spraying mace in your eyes.


Knowing this, the task of figuring out what type of female companion you are looking for comes next. Much like rare Pokemon, different types of women hang around different types of locations. However, unlike Pokemon, you simply cannot throw a metal ball at them and enslave them for life. :(

Many people believe that bars are a suitable place to find said female companion. I am not part of this majority, however. Bars are essentially high school lunchrooms for folks over 18 years old. All the old cliques, generic personality types, backstabbing fake friends, and retarded politics resurface here, as 100 men compete for the attention of a single woman with a crooked nose and mole the size of Vancouver Island. Only the most competitive men go to bars looking for women, as bars are tilted heavily towards the female's advantage. For example, take the whole concept of "happy hour"; bars bribe women to come in and get drunk so they might have a serious lapse in judgment and sleep with another person there. Some people might call this cheap or disgusting, but many of today's parents call it conception.

Fortunately, I'm dedicated and committed (not in a mental ward), so I know I will eventually find success for myself in the world of dating, and not having to resort to posting any of those last ditch effort "WHY DON'T GIRLS LIKE NICE GUYS LIKE ME?" entries on Internet journals. This is because, with any luck, I will be too busy posting "GIRLFRIEND DRIVING ME CRAZY, WHAT DO I DO?" entries instead. :)


---Damon
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