Damon Harris (hombre) wrote,
Damon Harris
hombre

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Taco Grande!

I don't know about you guys but I could sure go for a taco. I don't even have a good reason why, but that's the beauty of the taco. It just is, man. It doesn't need a reason. It doesn't need the pomp and circumstance that surround spaghetti or pork chops or garlic lemon prawns. It is a meal for every man that transcends borders and cultures and locked doors and your pleas and muffled screams for help. Umm.. yeah.. anyway, moving on!

Any time is the right time for a taco, provided you live in the GMT time zone. For everyone else, the right time is any time minus two hours. Unless you're on Pacific Standard Time, in which case it's any time, PLUS one hour. Have one as a breath freshener after drunkenly vomiting at your kids' birthday party, in celebration after your favorite athlete scores a goal or sexually assaults a woman, or as your last meal on death row! Make a time machine so you can have one with your great great grandfather, then attempt to make him rich by telling him last week's winning lottery numbers. Swim across the nearest ocean to eat one on foreign soil, realize you forgot the taco and swim back, then just say "fuck it" and take up cheese appreciation. The taco won't think any less of you, for it is compassionate beyond all comprehension. It knows you touch yourself at night and it doesn't judge you. In fact, it wants to join in like the saucy little minx that it is. Umm, yeah... moving on again!

We place so much importance on money today but there are some things money can't buy, like ground beef, cheese and tortillas, which just happen to be the main ingredients in a taco. The taco is the silent communion of the modern godless man. To eat a taco is to save your soul. If you order one from Taco Bell, know that it has baked under a heat lamp all day for your sins. If you're a scientologist, order the nachos. They're pretty good too.

Sometimes I don't know whether I love my family or tacos more. How can someone be expected to make a decision such as that? They're both really great but if you put a gun to my head and made me decide, I'd probably duck really fast and try to knock you over with some crazy kung fu kick. Ever since I was a little kid I was an excellent ducker. My teachers would meet with my parents and shake their heads solemnly, saying things like, "He doesn't grasp even the most basic math concepts or how to hold a pencil and he frequently distracts the other children by being significantly uglier than them, but he sure can duck!" If they had replaced the Science Fair with the Ducking Fair I would have gotten first place, only when the principal went to put the medal around my neck I would have ducked and everyone would have laughed. I would have done pretty well at the Forgetting Your Lunch At Home Fair if that existed too, but ducking during that awards ceremony wouldn't have gotten the same amount of laughs.

Some people might think it's silly for me to ramble at such length about tacos, but you know what? People thought it was pretty silly when Uwe Boll announced he would legitimize movies based on video games by signing on to direct House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, Hunter: The Reckoning, Far Cry, and Tetris, in rapid succession despite the fact that he had never made a good film. Two out of every three people thought RC Cola tasted better than its unnamed competitor. One time I didn't sleep for three days and I thought I was invisible. So there you have it.


---Damon
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