Damon Harris (hombre) wrote,
Damon Harris

Apocalypse Nigh!

As I came back in from plugging in my car outside, I couldn't help but notice that my car is pinioned underneath mountainous volumes of snow. And by that I mean 3.5 inches. This is normally no big deal. But this is the first REAL snowfall of the year. And it, of course, had to happen during the overnight before the weekly Hell Spawn that is the Monday morning commute. We allegedly have 24/7 snow plows, but they haven't been out there yet. They are apparently somewhere else, in some magical land I have yet to see, plowing and salting imaginary roads. So the conditions are just shy of murderous out there.

In my own humble villa, with it's rolling hills, and wandering minstrels, the roads are now made out of pure ice and dead minstrels. Driving is an exercise in violently accelerating your Honda Civic or Volvo until the spinning wheels produce forward motion, and then praying to god (or science) that eventually your vehicle will stop and that when it does stop you will not be occupying the same time and space as another vehicle, ditch, mailbox, or person. Many travelers have already suffered greatly, launching their vehicles off the road or into other cars, creating minor emotional dents and scratches with psychological deductibles that will last a lifetime.

3.5 inches of snow is no joke my friends. In ideal conditions, 3.5 inches of snow would be blasted to hell by salt and then plowed into some ditch, revealing a beautiful canvas of asphalt on which you can paint the story of your epic journey to Wal-Mart and Arby's. Unfortunately, here the snow goes nowhere. It lingers and grows stronger with each moment of below-freezing temperatures. Right now, temperatures are colder than a lady's heart (-15 degrees Celcius). The ice is taking hold and there might not be any way of stopping it. People out here are not used to this yet. The only hope of survival is global warming, or just waiting a few days. Whichever comes first, I guess.

As a former occupant of sleepy mountain town Tumbler Ridge, BC, I have a great deal of experience driving on snow and enduring the hardships of cold weather and frozen particles of water. It is a fairly routine thing back there. Not to mention, Edmonton is flat and mostly free from icy death hills with intersections at the bottom. I'd like to share some travel tips with everyone with regards to this all:

What to do:

-Avoid driving whenever possible. This will prevent you from accidentally parking your car in somebody's front yard, causing it to either get towed or decorated with Christmas lights.

-Drive slow and cautiously. The road is trying to get revenge for years of abuse and mistreatment by you, the common motorist. Do not let it. The road is your enemy, so ride that bitch hard. Also allow plenty of extra travel time, you fat hog.

-Avoid ditches, vehicles, people, horses, yards, and other tangible objects that are not roads. Be extremely cautious about colliding with warlocks or other evil spirits capable of cursing you.

-Scrape your windows clean so that you can actually see the road. While the sight of a menacing white blob of snow moving down the road is likely to make other drivers yield out of fear, you are most certainly going to cause an accident, if not spend the entire day driving around your yard blindly smashing into things.

-If driving proves stressful, take a few swigs of whiskey from your flask to ease your nerves.

-If you are driving and things get too scary, just come to a stop and abandon your car in the middle of the road, preferably perpendicular to the flow of traffic. If you're screwed, make sure everyone else is too.

-It is sometimes necessary to kill a hobo, hollow out his innards, and sleep inside them for warmth if you cannot find shelter. That is the tragic consequence of abandoning your car and trying to walk home.

What to do if you know what you're doing:

-Drive as much as possible, wherever you damn well feel like.

-Drive fast and recklessly.

-Leave at the last minute, arrive at your destination not a second too soon.

-Do a non-controlled power-slide into a handicapped spot at Costco (only if you are handicapped).

What not to do:

-Ghost ride the whip. In these conditions you could easily slip and accidentally run over yourself. Also, keep your stunna shades off unless the snow is blinding you.

-Tailgate nervous people in smaller cars to try to bully them into driving faster. All this does is cause them to wet themselves in terror, which, because of the cold, instantly freezes. Then they have to drive to the hospital to have their crotches amputated and you look like a big jerk in your high and mighty SUV.

-Remain calm. This could be the end of all things. Do not be complacent.

Gah, Winter.



Tags: via ljapp
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